What about being yourself?
Going back to basics on this one, I may have assumed too much foundational knowledge in some of these posts.
So, what about being yourself?
There are two senses to this question, so there are two potential, I think, correct answers.
In the first sense, yes, you should be yourself; it would be wrong to be otherwise. In the second, no, you damn well can’t be yourself, and you’d better not try.
Last things first, what if who you are in practice sucks? What if your default state of being is laziness, selfishness, anger, or unpleasantness? Make no mistake, those things, those actions you take or don’t take, are you. Theodore Dalrymple has done a great job of deconstructing the idea of The Real Me (TM), as in, yes, I may have done [insert heinous act], but that isn’t The Real Me (TM). If you chose it, own it. I would even make the case that real repentance isn’t possible if you explain away choices you made as not really who you are, something that isn’t your fault. We all do and have done things we aren’t proud of, nor should we be. It is important to own that it is you doing that thing.
So, being yourself may mean being something ugly, something naturally repulsive.
First things last, if you are what you do, you are also you when you are at your best. When you’re charitable, courageous, industrious, kind, humorous, or the like, that is you. Virtue also has a strong tendency, in my observation, to express itself in a very personalist way. The way you are kind might be very different from the way another is kind, while both ways are good. Personal virtue can include those loves and talents which are very unique to you. Not everybody has the same mission, you fulfilling your own personal mission or missions in life is essential.
Here’s the rub (and this is inspired by this excellent post at The Woman and The Dragon); what part of you is providing the value that the other person needs?
In a sense, I think men have a better inherent understanding of this idea. Not for any virtue, but the world at large doesn’t do males any favors. I can’t just provide the value I have; I need to provide the value that others need. If I can’t provide what my employers or would-be employers need, they have no emotional or cultural ties to me; they will just stop employing me. If I can’t make the shot, I won’t make the team.
If I can’t show myself sociable, the fraternity won’t accept me. If I can’t provide value to others, they won’t share any of their value with me. If that means changing how I dress to fit a company dress code, so be it.
To get value from others, I will change how I dress. I will restrain myself from saying whatever pops into my head. I will show up to practice even when I’d rather not. I will work more hours if that’s what the job requires.
I will put on a happy face regardless of how I am feeling because the client couldn’t care less about my personal feelings; they would prefer to be business with someone pleasant, not gloomy. I will refrain from criticism or anger (even if it is justified) when it doesn’t move anything forward to indulge it. I will subject my own desires and imperatives to others if that is what the situation calls for. If I don’t, I can’t blame others for not giving me whatever currency I am seeking. So “being myself” also means exhibiting virtues like care for others and respect for reality. I like to think that’s who I am, but I also know it had better be who I am if I mean to make my way.
There’s no point in pointing to your virtues as to why you should be better with women if those virtues aren’t the ones that will help you make the cut.
Now I don’t normally give advice to women; this is Men’s Christian Dating Blog. But I think there is something that I, and other men, find a great turn-off. First, scroll up and read the blog post from The Woman and The Dragon. Second, watch this clip.
Does she open the car door?!
It’s true that there is a time when men will just adjust themselves to you ladies and not think about whether you’re giving anything back, only for the sake of your glorious presence. Heck, I did that. But that was when you were at the height of your attractiveness, and I was at the height of my stupidity. The first time a girl did something for me just to make me happy, I felt moved. Profoundly moved, in fact, because the experience was so foreign.
This is where feminism certainly can screw people up, male and female. Certain brands of feminism teach women that they should get whatever they want without feeling obligated to earn it. It teaches men to just be happy. She’s deigned to grace them with her presence regardless of whether or not she does anything for them. It teaches men to expect nothing from women, and it teaches women to feel entitled to way more from men.
It doesn’t always work this way, but time tends to make you less stupid (although some of us have further to go than others). So, Christian ladies, there may have been a time when men would just pursue you, and you don’t have to change a thing. This time will not last, and those men are stupid. Even if you can swing a marriage on this basis, if a man feels unappreciated for the things he does for you, he will grow to resent you. If you don’t try, or care to try, to bring values that a man cares about to the table, he won’t stop needing those values. He may be able to ignore his own wants and needs for a while, but reality is always waiting to mug us in the alley, isn’t it?
Dr. Ransom's comments: I really enjoyed this post. To close the circle on this topic, assume you have only two traits, unimaginatively named W and Z. What if W was how your mom and just about everyone including Emily Post told you to behave around people, but especially girls? What if W always seems socially acceptable? What if W makes social relationships smooth and not uncomfortable? Your employer likes you to be W; you do what they ask and don’t complain. But Z can cause social relationships to fracture, people to hate on you, and can make you a pure asshole. Ah, but what if guys who had Z alone were drowning in available chicks, but all guys with just W alone heard was, “You’ll make some girl really happy someday,” but she is never the girl, and this is never the day. Z is necessary to get a girl aroused, but W is necessary to keep her around. W is great at customer service, but Z makes them sign on the dotted line in the first place. Not enough girls work on Z; girls are always leaving you because they can’t stand the abuse, work on W.
I submit to you that Z is actually named Power, and W is actually named Comfort. If you have enough Power, you will probably not say your problem is lack of interest from women. If you aren’t currently in jail or on parole and can hold down a job without getting fired for being an asshole, you probably have enough nice, which is how comfort alone shows up. The customer service department is big enough; you just need more customers. Power gets them to come around once; Comfort keeps them showing up. If you’ve gone long in the nice-only vein, you probably have some bitter pettiness; I know I did, but Power will naturally correct that as long as you don’t drop the nice completely and become a psycho narcissist. Focus on building your Power because it is what women check out first. No Power, they don’t stick around to see the rest of the show. Virtue is composed of both W and Z, not either alone. Benevolence is both strength and goodwill. Nice is the intention to do good without the ability to make it happen. Most frequently, the lacking part of Power is the courage actually to do what you want.
This is often caused by your perception of what other people might think if you took a stand. Either you think they will disagree with you, or you think you will look awkward and funny, especially if you puss out right in the middle of doing something that took some courage. Then you will be a proven coward. As has been said, be quiet and be thought stupid; open your mouth, and confirm it. No one is either all Power or all Comfort. You have done it in the past, so just try to be courageous 10% more and keep it rolling from there. If it is the right thing to do and the right time to do it, you just have to go ahead. Who is it that wants you to be cowardly and appeals to your sense of pride? That’s right, Satan!
On the other side of the fence, being sexy is the number one most important thing for women. But sexy and dirty will send you running sooner or later. What you really want is a sexy and a good mother-to-be. That generally shows up as what most of us would call a natural beauty that just exists and is not exaggerated (for exaggerated, see Pussycat Dolls).