Oral Sex
All Take & No Give?
Let me begin by saying some people sincerely do not wish to receive oral sex, and that's fine. This article will not address those people. I'm specifically referring to people who continually give to their partners in the oral department and would eagerly like to be on the receiving end. But their partner refuses. That's the conundrum we're focusing on today. To put it mildly, rejection can be pretty painful, especially regarding sexual activity. And before you ask, one gender isn't to blame more than the other. I've received letters from men AND women who are upset or disappointed about their partner's refusal to perform.
On the other end of the spectrum, some people explained that they don't like to perform oral sex. They don't know why, but they don't want to. Hmmm...let's back up a minute. Sexual activity can be an opportunity to bond with your partner and lavish attention on one another. In our crazy, busy world, affection and sex are your time to block out everything else and make one another feel good. Isn't that the objective? Oral sex is an incredibly intimate way to exhibit this. So, I tend to disagree when someone says they don't know why they lack the desire to perform on their partner. There usually is a reason.
Pleasure Should Be Mutually Given
Give What You Get
Please note that I do not encourage anyone to do something they oppose. You are not obligated to engage in any sexual activity with anyone. That being said, let's examine some possible reasons why someone would take a pass on performing oral sex. Many times a person refuses because he/she feels insecure or inadequate about their abilities. They don't think they will be able to satisfy their partner properly. Maybe they don't feel like they know what they are doing. This is why communication is so important. We can read all the manuals in the world, but everyone is different. People will respond to different sensations and variations in touch, so experimenting is the best part of the activity. In showing one another what you like, you will create intimacy and a bond. Learn together.
This is a common reason: the person doesn't like or is afraid of the smell and taste. It should go without saying that it is every person's responsibility to be scrupulously clean, but sometimes we need reminders. We all have a natural scent, and with proper bathing and hygiene, this shouldn't be a concern. What if the partner is afraid to choke during fellatio? Go slow and be in control of how deep you go. If you are afraid of your face getting messy or are reluctant because of Monday's oral sex dilemma, keep a towel nearby. Or maybe you've heard this reason: "I had a bad experience." Well, you can't let that be a barrier to future relationships. I know this is easier said than done, but you can choose not to let the experience hinder your current situation. Your new partner is not your ex.
Still, others hesitate to perform oral sex because they feel it makes them subservient. That is not necessarily true. Control or power should not be an issue with two consenting partners in their sexual activity. Change your focus - think of this as an act of love or an opportunity to give and receive pleasure. If you keep focusing on this aspect, you will eventually change your perspective.
When one person performs a sexual activity, and the other partner refuses, it can convey that one person's pleasure matters more than the other's. I'll leave you with these questions: Is this the message you want to send? Would you expect someone to give you oral pleasure if you refused to reciprocate? Essentially, what is fair and what works for your relationship? Are you satisfied? I look forward to your comments on this issue, but in the meantime, keep your mind open and your heart full. As always, I remain...